Tuning in to these distant stations

I've been dealing with some emotional issues for the past few days. I thought they were behind me, but I suppose they never really were.

In Maryland, I was a wreck. I only saw what laid in front of me - a shit job, a shit apartment, and a loving husband I barely saw. The only facet of our future I could focus on was the inevitable deployment, surely only a few months out. I worked and hated it, I came home to an empty apartment filled with nothing but movies I'd seen and books I'd read and re-read. I made dinner for Sean and ate while he did his homework, and I stared at the ceiling for hours each night as he slept soundly. I suffered from an unrelenting insomnia then. I cried all the time, the way that leaves you gasping for breath. I crumpled into myself, into our bedroom. I could not find happiness, I just couldn't.

Between then and now, I've learned to smile again. It took a multitude of means to get me here - knitting needles and yarn, a month of leave, diet and exercise, a couple of new tattoos, Austin, a beautiful new home, a bicycle, a blog. Though I couldn't have learned how to appreciate these small boons, these commonplace blessings, if Sean hadn't encouraged me to do so. Everyday, every single day, I know my strength comes from him. And to be an enlightened, self-assured woman that sees beauty in even the simplest of life.. and an atheist.. well, that's something I'm proud of.

However, as of late, I find myself vacillating between the aforementioned state of being and one of cynicism and despondency. I've been asking myself this question, and have yet to find an answer: how can I know if I'm truly happy with this situation (which is so visibly ugly and cruel) or if I've merely learned to lie to myself? Have I convinced myself that I'm content with this? In what world, what universe, would I ever be content with the one person I love more than anything going away for a year? I'm going to be alone for so long. How is it that I'm getting out of bed and enjoying every day? Everything's a question, I question everything about myself. Sometimes I get the feeling I hardly know what goes on inside of me, I only make guesses.

I'll get over this, undoubtedly. I don't have a choice. There is a way I must be for him and for this, I just have to learn how to fit the bill.