I'm not dead yet.

Hmm. My posts are starting to space out more than I intended. I've been busy lately, thus my lack of effort. Maintaining this blog is important to me though, so I'm determined to make time for it.

An update on me:

My classes are fine, I'm doing better than well at keeping up with the work and discussions. I'm working 4 days per week at the coffee shop, and that's been keeping me busier than I'd expected. During my downtime, I've been working on my scarf (which is nearly done now!) and listening to Anna Karenina on audiobook, per Sean's suggestion. It's such a beautifully written story, I'm getting so much from it. Aside from that, I've been spending time at home, time alone. Eden spent last weekend with me, which I had no reservations about as we're the oldest friends. We drank wine at home and talked about the state of things, and had a fantastic time doing it. Surprisingly, there ARE some people I can stand in this world. They're just few and far between.

An update on Sean:

Everything's about the same for him, to be honest. He has the weight of the world on his shoulders, yet none of the resources he needs to support it. He is, however, growing accustomed to the stress and learning how to handle it. He sounds better everytime we talk. I've sent him two carepackages now, and two bundles of letters. I'm going to get another package together this week.

Well. Yeah. I can't help but feel like an automaton as I write this. I'm doing better now than I was one month ago (yes, it's already been over a month now since he left.), but partly because I've stopped feeling. Everything here is dull, listless, hackneyed. I don't see the light of life anymore, I don't feel it's energy. I'm not upset by this, or unsettled. I expected it. Sean isn't here, so this is how it's going to be. The only time I feel fuller, the only time I feel warmth in my chest, is when I talk to him. It's when I hear his voice, when I make him laugh. I know I won't wholly be me again until he's home.

But each day is a day. And I'm getting through them.

It's just the beginning.

Well, here I am. It's been just over 24 hours since I said goodbye to him.

I don't even know where to begin. I expected to find myself bawling uncontrollably for a few days, but it hasn't been that simple. Mostly, I just feel empty inside. Empty, with a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. Sometimes I feel numb to it all, but that usually hasn't lasted very long.

After we parted ways, my friend took me out for lunch, and then for coffee. It helped to be around other people, and I think that's going to be my ticket out of feeling this vast emptiness. I went to work at the bar last night, I was there until 230 in the morning. I didn't exactly have fun, but I made money, and I tried my hardest to keep my mind off everything. I came home, wrote a long letter to Sean (I promised to write to him every single day), and fell asleep.

This morning, I woke up and went to the kitchen to brew coffee. I found a note folded up in the toaster. I found one in the cabinet with the coffee. I found another in the freezer, and one in a box of soda cans. They were all from Sean - short, sweet words of consolation and encouragement. It's so like him to leave those for me, yet I am always floored when it happens. Through everything, I know that I'm truly lucky to have found my soulmate. I'm truly lucky to have his love. These notes, of course, stirred up my emotions, and I broke down over the kitchen sink.

So thus begins day 2 of this deployment. I'm left wondering which is the hardest part - the beginning, the initial shock of seeing your loved one leaving, of not feeling their presence anymore.. or does it get worse after weeks, months of distance? When does it get easier? Does it, ever?

A few shots from yesterday morning.