A lesson learned.

  Just as I thought I was getting stronger, just as I thought I had accepted what is to come, I lost my grip.

  I learned a valuable lesson this weekend: too much beer and I become a sloppy, sobbing, devastated wreck.

  That's to be expected though, no? I've seen alcohol bring out the absolute worst in people. I've done my own time in that dark, hidden place in those intoxicated depths of the mind.. but this time was rough. I still have some growing to do. I'm still hurting, somewhere. And I'm certainly aware now that I have limits, and I'll need to be careful if/when I drink again.

  And yesterday, as I spent the day recovering - skinned, bruised knees, sore muscles, one wicked hangover - and regretting, feeling mortified at my actions (which I can still barely remember), Sean was nothing but supportive, forgiving, reassuring. I am reminded everyday, and especially during times like these, that I am truly the luckiest woman. My husband loves me. Unconditionally. Infinitely. His devotion knows no ends. And I am always, always grateful for him. He's my light, my source. Sean, I love you. Thank you.

  In other news, I've taken the first half of my GED exams. The next half is scheduled for June 15 (we see mewithoutYou that night!). It feels good to finally, finally be doing this. I've procrastinated for too long. Hopefully, once I apply for financial aid and a grant or two, I'll be enrolling in some college courses here. I honestly do miss the classroom environment, my mind has been craving new knowledge. I hope everything goes smoothly when that time comes.

  We're planning out what we're going to do during the few weeks of leave he has next month. I've been told Enchanted Rock and Fredericksburg are super fun, and Corpus Christi/San Pedro for beach bumming. Truthfully, we could spend everyday here, at home, lounging around and playing video games and I wouldn't mind, not for a second. But, being the adventurers that we are, looks like we'll be going on some day trips. And I'm perfectly excited about doing that, too.

A post with alot of me.

I'm nearly at the weight I was before I moved to Germany, and this is a huge accomplishment for me.

I've never been much for physical exertion. My heart doesn't allow me to do as much as I could, and I found myself making excuses left and right so I wouldn't have to work out. I just couldn't find motivation. Thus, I let myself become somewhat unhealthy and unfit. I also developed body image issues, always thinking I was fatter than the mirror let on. I let it control me for a while.

Living with Sean, however, brought a change. There he was, my husband (this takes place in MD, by the way, just a few months ago), doing PT everyday. There he was, eating like a horse and never feeling regret, never gaining any unnecessary weight. I was so jealous. But I knew that I could never do the things he did every morning. I'm not a runner, not in the least (unless we are on the beach, barefoot), I can't do very many push-ups, I don't even know what sprints are. I don't know. I just wanted to feel good about myself the right way.

So, after long talks at nights and research throughout the days, it's come to this. For the past month, I've reduced my meal portions. I eat breakfast now, but usually only a banana or a Cliff bar. I follow breakfast with a barrage of multivitamin packs and water. Lunch, a Cliff bar or a salad. More water. And then (and here, I puff up my chest a tad and straighten my shoulders), I work out! I push myself, but I've also learned my limits. I do what's right for me. I do legs once or twice a week, which includes lots of squats, lunges, calf raises. Other days, I'll work core - at least 300 crunches but usually more, planks, leg lifts. And as the days go on, I feel my muscles working and healing. Each time I work out, I feel like I can do more. So I do. Dinner is a serious meal, as it's the only one Sean and I get together. We don't eat meat, we use whole grain pastas and fresh vegetables and organic meat substitutes, and we don't get fast food. Pizza or chinese, once in a blue, but that's it.

I feel better about myself. I've shed 4-5 pounds in the past couple weeks, which may not seem like much, but it's enough for me to feel different. I don't hate what I see in the mirror today. And I feel good, I really do. One thing I do look forward to with our upcoming deployment is that Sean's dietary influence will be gone, thus leaving me to fully control my diet. Dinner will be smaller, lighter. I'll work out more, as I'll be alone and bored. I hope to look and feel even better one year from now than I do today. I know I'll stick to it.


Tomorrow is a very special day. I'll post this weekend with all of the good stuff.

An Introduction

This day is as good as any.

I'm Jessica. I've lived more in my 21 years than most my age have. I was born and raised in south Florida, spent my late teens in New York, then lived in Germany for two years. It was in Germany that I met my husband, Sean.

Sean is 24, and absolutely brilliant. He was an Infantryman when we met, stationed at Baumholder. Now, he's a Public Affairs Specialist and we are stationed at Ft. Hood, Texas.

I'm a strong, free-spirited woman.. most of the time, at least. I have nine tattoos, eight piercings, and sometimes a bit of an attitude. I smoke, I drink. I read classic literature and listen to lo-fi indie. I sing along. I write far less than I used to. I ride my bike to and from work, and work is an independently-owned cafe in which we serve espresso, wine, locally brewed beers, sandwiches, wraps, and smoothies. I fell in love with Austin, and try to spend as much time there as possible. I also eat very little meat, if any at all.

Sean is an old soul with a young heart.. or maybe it's the other way around. I always have trouble finding the right words to describe his character. I fell in love, and I fell hard when we met. He knows himself well, and always finds the perfect words for any situation. He writes beautifully, far more eloquently than I could ever hope to. He makes me laugh everyday. He is constantly, unintentionally reminding me why I love him and why we are married.

We've been married just over 7 months now, and he is already deploying. We don't know much at the moment, but we know that he's leaving in July. We know he's going to Afghanistan. We know he'll be there for a year. The army is shite, but what can you do? It's our first deployment as a couple (I met him just after he got back from Iraq last year), and I am scared. I can't even fathom a year away from him, and it's going to begin in just a couple months. I wonder if I'll still feel him in my soul like I do now in 5 months. 9 months. A year. It hurts to think about this.