Aloneless is a word

I can't wait until leave starts.

We've both been on edge lately. We know there's nothing to blame but the pre-deployment stress. The deployment blues. A month and a half left before he leaves. We can only make the best of our time together now.

I haven't been distancing myself from Sean, no. I know that's not the right thing to do. I have, however, become more comfortable with my aloneness. Right, aloneness. I refuse to call it loneliness - not now, and not at any point during the next year. I'm not lonely, I won't ever be. I'm married to the man I was destined to share my life with. Not lonely, just alone. And lately, it's been alright. I think Elliott has helped, although he's a giant pain in my ass at times. He keeps me company, and that's something. I'm gaining hours at work. I'm making friends. I know I won't be ready when July 17 comes, but it seems that I'm becoming more prepared as these days pass. A good thing.

I am lacking something important, though. Beyond Sean, I don't have a friend to really talk to. No girlfriend to vent to, to get coffee with, to go to when I'm feeling my worst. I haven't felt the need for somebody like that, but I'm coming to the realization that this is going to be a problem. So, I guess I'm looking for a special girl now. We'll see how it goes.

He's just a baby.

Here it is. The long awaited Elliott post! We brought him home on Friday night and wasted no time cuddling and playing with him. He's curious and energetic, and all the things kitties should be - including a troublemaker. But when he tires, which he always does, he's eager to cuddle up with one of us and purr himself to sleep. We are proud parents.

He's young now, constantly playing and seeking attention, affection, food and toys. He plays with all the cords he's not supposed to. He runs up and down the stairs. I have no doubt that Elliott will absolutely keep me occupied during this deployment, if not for those very reasons. I hope, however, as he grows during this next year, he'll calm down a bit and relax with me. But he's just a baby, so who can say?

Yesterday, Sean went to an FRG meeting. I wasn't able to make it, although I wish I could've been there. He brought home some more goodies for deployment prepping.

He leaves in just about 2 months. The weeks are going by quick now, far quicker than I had hoped. We've been going out on the weekends and having fun, but sharing our time with others. Not a bad thing, really, but we both know that we'd really rather be at home, alone, in eachother's arms. These nights aren't enough, these weekends aren't enough. I'm not usually such a selfish person, but I now find myself always wanting. Yearning for more time, just one more night, one more hour. I'm going to miss him so much.

To-Do during the deployment, pt 1.

I've made a small list of some things I need to accomplish while Sean is deployed. I know as time goes on, I'll inevitably add more or change it all around, but the idea is the same. And even though I write about doing all of this, in hopes that I can and will remain happy all the while, I know I'll only ever be thinking about him.

- Knit more. I mean really take on some projects, and finish them even when I grow bored. My mother-in-law taught me how to knit with the two most basic and common stitches, and from this I can easily teach myself the trickier stuff. It's great for occupying one's mind and biding time, so if I incorporate this into my daily life, I can only see benefits.

- Ride my bike alone, anywhere, just to ride.

- Keep up my diet/exercise. I've already noticed a physical change and the confidence boost that comes along with it. I may continue to smoke, but I know I can stay fit while Sean's gone. Just the thought of impressing him upon his return with a smokin' bod is motivation enough, but I'm starting to enjoy the pain of pushing myself. I like this.

- Write. The blog is a good start, but I haven't written prose or short stories much in the past year, and I'd like to get back to where I was.

- Learn to cook for one. Healthy, organic, meatless meals.. for one. And learn to enjoy it.

- Meet good, kind people and surround myself with them. I've made a good start here, I already have a handful of people I am happy to call friends. I'm going to be picky, I'm not going to settle. I'm going to need support, alot of it, and I'm determined to find the people strong and kind enough to give it to me.

- Play MW2 until I'm good, good enough to successfully release some tension by racking up the kills. That, or just stick to Halo, in which I currently own.

- This is the most important one. I need to learn how to be absolutely content with my loneliness. I'm going to be spending more time here, at home, than I'd like to admit. Just Elliott and I. In Maryland, I couldn't handle the days I spent by myself. Here, I must. Admittedly, I've grown since Maryland and what I do on a daily basis now would have devastated me then. Weekdays, I wake up alone. I am alone until I go to work in the afternoon. And truthfully, I've been fine with it. But I cannot compare these days to the ones I face after he leaves. I've never lived alone before. I've never done any of this before. I can only hope that I can learn to smile, laugh, get through this. Alone.