Deeper than the Mariana.

Today is our anniversary. One year ago, we were just married. Beside ourselves with delight and passion, we enveloped eachother with a love so deep, so pure, that we'd never know anything less.




I didn't know what to expect today. Sean had asked me to stay home for the better part of the day, so I assumed he'd be having something sent here. The doorbell rang, and I was given the most beautiful bouquet of roses I've ever seen. How I am so lucky, I still don't know. My husband is in a war-zone, thousands of miles from me. He's so far away, yet still manages to create a world for me flooded with brilliant light and warm affections.





From here, there is very little I could do for him today. However, I did manage this.

Warren Ellis and Neil Gaiman are two of our favorite contemporary authors. I knew it was a longshot, but I explained the situation to both (via Twitter, obviously), and asked if they could spare a moment to send him well-wishes. Both authors were kind enough to do so, and I'm sure Sean and I both did happy dances. I can think of countless gifts I could have given him today, but seeing as he wanted nothing but my love.. I think I've done well.

I can't believe it's been a year already. It seems like just weeks ago we were in that room, nervous and elated at what was to come. I'll never forget how it felt to look into his eyes, recite my vows, and to say "I do". It's an affair that has burned itself into my memory. I wouldn't have it any other way.

Today, I celebrate alone. Next year, he will be here, and we will embrace the day as we could not today. Sean Clark Harriman, I love you. Happy Anniversary.

Song sung softly.

So much has happened, yet I'm found now in the same position I was in two months ago. In a nutshell:

- University of Phoenix is a business, a fool's college who will take whatever money they can get their filthy, unaccredited hands on. I withdrew three weeks in, and now owe them $900. This has been so stressful for me, we don't have this kind of money to toss around. Alas, there's nothing further I can do to fight it, so I'll be making payments very soon.

- I have, however, enrolled with Austin Community College. My financial aid will not only be paying my tuition fees, but I'll also be receiving an extra $1000 or so per semester. This money is mine, it will be going into my checking account. I'm beside myself with excitement knowing that I will be paid to go to school. I start classes in January, and will be majoring in Psychology. I've always had the desire to learn, and to attend college classes for something I'm interested in. Business is practical, but the joys of higher education will be robbed of me if I take business courses. Instead, I'll major in what I've always wanted to, and it will be fulfilling.

- I was fired from the coffee shop, Star Co., and am still absolutely livid about it. I'd done nothing wrong. I have been nothing less than a fine employee at that crapshoot establishment, I enjoyed my job and the customers loved me. Never late, only called out once. What more could they want from me? Sean reminded me that yes, this is Texas, and I am not run-of-the-mill. I should have expected it. I've been unemployed for just over a week now, and finding something new has not been easy.

- I've been learning how to drive Sean's Jetta. I've never driven stick before, and always grew frustrated when Sean would try to teach me. Now, a friend of mine (who has dedicated his life to teaching) is giving me lessons. I've made considerable progress so far. My self-appointed deadline is the end of November - I'd like to have my license and be completely comfortable driving Sean's car. The sooner, the better. With this, I can get a better job, too.

I suppose those are the major bullet points of my life right now. Things move so quickly, and suddenly come to a screeching halt. I don't know where the current will take me now, but I'm moving with it, and I will not be pulled under.

Sean has been gone for just over two months now. As a whole, the time has passed quickly. Some days, however, drag like an anchor on the ocean's floor. I get through each one with a sense of accomplishment, though. Tuesday marks our first anniversary. One year together. It hardly seems like it's been that long, at a glance, but so much has happened since that beautiful morning in St. Petersburg. I'm not sure what to expect on Tuesday. I may be bitter, callous.. but I'd prefer to be joyful, full of mirth and love and smiling, laughing in celebration. We'll see.

Time off.

I've been taking a hiatus from blogging. I'm not doing this because I have nothing to say, quite the contrary. There is an incredible amount of opportunity and change happening in my life right now. Nearly intimidating, the thought of finally getting it all down on paper, if one can consider this paper.

For the moment, however, I've turned to micro-blogging. It's been far easier of late to express myself in images. If interested, check out My Soup. At any rate, I should be back with an unbearably long update within a week or two.

For your eyes.

 I haven't posted any pictures lately, so I present you with these:

 Introducing, 'Lifelines'. Obviously, it's in it's early stages. Very early. The plan is this: here are two very detailed maps, one of North America, and one of Europe. I'm going to trace my path through life with yarn. Starting from where I was born to where I live now, with every major stop along the way. I'm going to do the same with Sean's path. Our yarns will intertwine in Germany, and we'll follow them through the past year up to now. I'm going to keep this going, believe it or not, throughout our entire lives. I can't wait to update on my progress.

 The states. It's freaking huge. Total pain in my ass to put up.

Europe. It's so detailed. We'll be able to pinpoint our exact locations, though everything.

 This is something Sean left me just a few weeks before he deployed. It remains where I originally found it: the corner of the mirror in the downstairs bathroom. Everytime I check my reflection before leaving the house, I see this. And I smile.

I see this every morning, every night. He supports me still, even from so far away.

I'm not dead yet.

Hmm. My posts are starting to space out more than I intended. I've been busy lately, thus my lack of effort. Maintaining this blog is important to me though, so I'm determined to make time for it.

An update on me:

My classes are fine, I'm doing better than well at keeping up with the work and discussions. I'm working 4 days per week at the coffee shop, and that's been keeping me busier than I'd expected. During my downtime, I've been working on my scarf (which is nearly done now!) and listening to Anna Karenina on audiobook, per Sean's suggestion. It's such a beautifully written story, I'm getting so much from it. Aside from that, I've been spending time at home, time alone. Eden spent last weekend with me, which I had no reservations about as we're the oldest friends. We drank wine at home and talked about the state of things, and had a fantastic time doing it. Surprisingly, there ARE some people I can stand in this world. They're just few and far between.

An update on Sean:

Everything's about the same for him, to be honest. He has the weight of the world on his shoulders, yet none of the resources he needs to support it. He is, however, growing accustomed to the stress and learning how to handle it. He sounds better everytime we talk. I've sent him two carepackages now, and two bundles of letters. I'm going to get another package together this week.

Well. Yeah. I can't help but feel like an automaton as I write this. I'm doing better now than I was one month ago (yes, it's already been over a month now since he left.), but partly because I've stopped feeling. Everything here is dull, listless, hackneyed. I don't see the light of life anymore, I don't feel it's energy. I'm not upset by this, or unsettled. I expected it. Sean isn't here, so this is how it's going to be. The only time I feel fuller, the only time I feel warmth in my chest, is when I talk to him. It's when I hear his voice, when I make him laugh. I know I won't wholly be me again until he's home.

But each day is a day. And I'm getting through them.

Sunshine, been keeping me up for days.

There is so much to say about this past weekend. I don't even know where to begin. It was an educational experience, to say the least.

Three friends from back east surprised me on Friday with 5 hours notice to their arrival here. For the entire weekend. I couldn't refuse them. And yes, they were here all weekend. As it was their first time in Austin, I was obligated to show them as much of this city as time would allow. It was exhausting. Don't be mistaken, all three are wonderful people and it was lovely to see them.. but as I mentioned, the whole ordeal certainly taught me something; I am not the social butterfly I once was. In fact, I'm quite the opposite. I couldn't stop myself from wanting nothing more than to be home, alone. Every smile, every laugh, everything felt so forced. I can't truly have fun with other people anymore, at least not people that don't know me very well. Needless to say, I'm glad the weekend is over and I have the house to myself again. Social anxiety, my goodness. I never foresaw myself having any issues with it, but it seems Sean has rubbed off on me yet again. But who could argue that your own company is more satisfying than the company of others? I need not meet any requirements when I'm alone. No fake smiles, no awkward silences between conversations, no pressure to drink cheap beer. I'm just relieved that I've grown to love myself so much that I'd rather be alone than with others. It's a big step for me, something I've never reached before.

On a sidenote, I've officially started classes. Yep, I'm a phoenix. My first two courses - Intro to University Studies and Principles of Health and Wellness. Basic stuff. The health course should provide some good motivation towards the diet/exercise kick I'm getting in. So far, it's been well.

I'll be getting another carepackage together for Sean today or tomorrow. I'm sending him nicorette gum, the Iron & Wine show I recorded, the latest True Bloods, letters, and any other odds and ends I can find to send him. I wasn't going to get anything together this soon, but he's begging me for the gum, and I can't say no. =)

One down, eleven to go.

Rent? ☑
Gas/Electric? ☑
Water? ☑
Internet? ☑
Cell phone? ☑

Well, there it is! One billing cycle down. Needless to say, I've been waiting for this. I know it's only the first of twelve, but Sean was right when he brought this up. It's a glass-half-full kind of perspective. To add even more to my already-half-full glass, I only have three more cycles until he's back for R&R! Good things.

I'm in the middle of my new student orientation for University of Phoenix. I have enough to say on the matter, so I'll save it for a new post sometime this weekend. For now, all is well.