These boots..

Finally got me some cowgirl boots. I've been looking for a pair since we got here. I walked to a yard sale just down the street and there they were, just my size, waiting for me.

That's our backyard, by the way.

Sean's leave was approved, thankfully, and so was mine. We'll have almost two weeks together next month to do whatever we please. I'm planning some things. And I'm trying not to think about how soon he'll be leaving.

Simply put.

I love this picture. And I love my husband. Today, more than yesterday. Now, more than ever. He's still pulling me, after all we've been through. I hope he never stops.

A lesson learned.

  Just as I thought I was getting stronger, just as I thought I had accepted what is to come, I lost my grip.

  I learned a valuable lesson this weekend: too much beer and I become a sloppy, sobbing, devastated wreck.

  That's to be expected though, no? I've seen alcohol bring out the absolute worst in people. I've done my own time in that dark, hidden place in those intoxicated depths of the mind.. but this time was rough. I still have some growing to do. I'm still hurting, somewhere. And I'm certainly aware now that I have limits, and I'll need to be careful if/when I drink again.

  And yesterday, as I spent the day recovering - skinned, bruised knees, sore muscles, one wicked hangover - and regretting, feeling mortified at my actions (which I can still barely remember), Sean was nothing but supportive, forgiving, reassuring. I am reminded everyday, and especially during times like these, that I am truly the luckiest woman. My husband loves me. Unconditionally. Infinitely. His devotion knows no ends. And I am always, always grateful for him. He's my light, my source. Sean, I love you. Thank you.

  In other news, I've taken the first half of my GED exams. The next half is scheduled for June 15 (we see mewithoutYou that night!). It feels good to finally, finally be doing this. I've procrastinated for too long. Hopefully, once I apply for financial aid and a grant or two, I'll be enrolling in some college courses here. I honestly do miss the classroom environment, my mind has been craving new knowledge. I hope everything goes smoothly when that time comes.

  We're planning out what we're going to do during the few weeks of leave he has next month. I've been told Enchanted Rock and Fredericksburg are super fun, and Corpus Christi/San Pedro for beach bumming. Truthfully, we could spend everyday here, at home, lounging around and playing video games and I wouldn't mind, not for a second. But, being the adventurers that we are, looks like we'll be going on some day trips. And I'm perfectly excited about doing that, too.

Fingers crossed

Good news doesn't come easy these days, but we received a touch of it this week.

Sean used up all of his leave days during this past leave/move in Florida and here in Texas as we settled in. It was a complicated affair, as we didn't know we were using them all up at the time, but were informed later that previous leave days had yet to be officially taken out. So here we are, left with very little (if any) leave time before he deploys. We reluctantly accepted it.

However, it seems that pre-deployment leave is more important than I thought. They're letting Sean go into the negatives! This means that he'll probably be off for a couple weeks next month, and that is truly a blessing. If this goes through, I'll be taking a week off myself. We're going to plan out some day-trips for hiking, beach bumming, etc. Much needed quality time.

Thankfully, this won't affect his R&R, as it's free now! By the time he gets back from Afghanistan, he'll have accrued a year's worth of leave. This is all good stuff. I'm a happy camper.

He's just a baby.

Here it is. The long awaited Elliott post! We brought him home on Friday night and wasted no time cuddling and playing with him. He's curious and energetic, and all the things kitties should be - including a troublemaker. But when he tires, which he always does, he's eager to cuddle up with one of us and purr himself to sleep. We are proud parents.

He's young now, constantly playing and seeking attention, affection, food and toys. He plays with all the cords he's not supposed to. He runs up and down the stairs. I have no doubt that Elliott will absolutely keep me occupied during this deployment, if not for those very reasons. I hope, however, as he grows during this next year, he'll calm down a bit and relax with me. But he's just a baby, so who can say?

Yesterday, Sean went to an FRG meeting. I wasn't able to make it, although I wish I could've been there. He brought home some more goodies for deployment prepping.

He leaves in just about 2 months. The weeks are going by quick now, far quicker than I had hoped. We've been going out on the weekends and having fun, but sharing our time with others. Not a bad thing, really, but we both know that we'd really rather be at home, alone, in eachother's arms. These nights aren't enough, these weekends aren't enough. I'm not usually such a selfish person, but I now find myself always wanting. Yearning for more time, just one more night, one more hour. I'm going to miss him so much.

A post with alot of me.

I'm nearly at the weight I was before I moved to Germany, and this is a huge accomplishment for me.

I've never been much for physical exertion. My heart doesn't allow me to do as much as I could, and I found myself making excuses left and right so I wouldn't have to work out. I just couldn't find motivation. Thus, I let myself become somewhat unhealthy and unfit. I also developed body image issues, always thinking I was fatter than the mirror let on. I let it control me for a while.

Living with Sean, however, brought a change. There he was, my husband (this takes place in MD, by the way, just a few months ago), doing PT everyday. There he was, eating like a horse and never feeling regret, never gaining any unnecessary weight. I was so jealous. But I knew that I could never do the things he did every morning. I'm not a runner, not in the least (unless we are on the beach, barefoot), I can't do very many push-ups, I don't even know what sprints are. I don't know. I just wanted to feel good about myself the right way.

So, after long talks at nights and research throughout the days, it's come to this. For the past month, I've reduced my meal portions. I eat breakfast now, but usually only a banana or a Cliff bar. I follow breakfast with a barrage of multivitamin packs and water. Lunch, a Cliff bar or a salad. More water. And then (and here, I puff up my chest a tad and straighten my shoulders), I work out! I push myself, but I've also learned my limits. I do what's right for me. I do legs once or twice a week, which includes lots of squats, lunges, calf raises. Other days, I'll work core - at least 300 crunches but usually more, planks, leg lifts. And as the days go on, I feel my muscles working and healing. Each time I work out, I feel like I can do more. So I do. Dinner is a serious meal, as it's the only one Sean and I get together. We don't eat meat, we use whole grain pastas and fresh vegetables and organic meat substitutes, and we don't get fast food. Pizza or chinese, once in a blue, but that's it.

I feel better about myself. I've shed 4-5 pounds in the past couple weeks, which may not seem like much, but it's enough for me to feel different. I don't hate what I see in the mirror today. And I feel good, I really do. One thing I do look forward to with our upcoming deployment is that Sean's dietary influence will be gone, thus leaving me to fully control my diet. Dinner will be smaller, lighter. I'll work out more, as I'll be alone and bored. I hope to look and feel even better one year from now than I do today. I know I'll stick to it.


Tomorrow is a very special day. I'll post this weekend with all of the good stuff.

To-Do during the deployment, pt 1.

I've made a small list of some things I need to accomplish while Sean is deployed. I know as time goes on, I'll inevitably add more or change it all around, but the idea is the same. And even though I write about doing all of this, in hopes that I can and will remain happy all the while, I know I'll only ever be thinking about him.

- Knit more. I mean really take on some projects, and finish them even when I grow bored. My mother-in-law taught me how to knit with the two most basic and common stitches, and from this I can easily teach myself the trickier stuff. It's great for occupying one's mind and biding time, so if I incorporate this into my daily life, I can only see benefits.

- Ride my bike alone, anywhere, just to ride.

- Keep up my diet/exercise. I've already noticed a physical change and the confidence boost that comes along with it. I may continue to smoke, but I know I can stay fit while Sean's gone. Just the thought of impressing him upon his return with a smokin' bod is motivation enough, but I'm starting to enjoy the pain of pushing myself. I like this.

- Write. The blog is a good start, but I haven't written prose or short stories much in the past year, and I'd like to get back to where I was.

- Learn to cook for one. Healthy, organic, meatless meals.. for one. And learn to enjoy it.

- Meet good, kind people and surround myself with them. I've made a good start here, I already have a handful of people I am happy to call friends. I'm going to be picky, I'm not going to settle. I'm going to need support, alot of it, and I'm determined to find the people strong and kind enough to give it to me.

- Play MW2 until I'm good, good enough to successfully release some tension by racking up the kills. That, or just stick to Halo, in which I currently own.

- This is the most important one. I need to learn how to be absolutely content with my loneliness. I'm going to be spending more time here, at home, than I'd like to admit. Just Elliott and I. In Maryland, I couldn't handle the days I spent by myself. Here, I must. Admittedly, I've grown since Maryland and what I do on a daily basis now would have devastated me then. Weekdays, I wake up alone. I am alone until I go to work in the afternoon. And truthfully, I've been fine with it. But I cannot compare these days to the ones I face after he leaves. I've never lived alone before. I've never done any of this before. I can only hope that I can learn to smile, laugh, get through this. Alone.

Today, the Army feels like arsenic. We are choking, sputtering, drowning, dying.

Tuning in to these distant stations

I've been dealing with some emotional issues for the past few days. I thought they were behind me, but I suppose they never really were.

In Maryland, I was a wreck. I only saw what laid in front of me - a shit job, a shit apartment, and a loving husband I barely saw. The only facet of our future I could focus on was the inevitable deployment, surely only a few months out. I worked and hated it, I came home to an empty apartment filled with nothing but movies I'd seen and books I'd read and re-read. I made dinner for Sean and ate while he did his homework, and I stared at the ceiling for hours each night as he slept soundly. I suffered from an unrelenting insomnia then. I cried all the time, the way that leaves you gasping for breath. I crumpled into myself, into our bedroom. I could not find happiness, I just couldn't.

Between then and now, I've learned to smile again. It took a multitude of means to get me here - knitting needles and yarn, a month of leave, diet and exercise, a couple of new tattoos, Austin, a beautiful new home, a bicycle, a blog. Though I couldn't have learned how to appreciate these small boons, these commonplace blessings, if Sean hadn't encouraged me to do so. Everyday, every single day, I know my strength comes from him. And to be an enlightened, self-assured woman that sees beauty in even the simplest of life.. and an atheist.. well, that's something I'm proud of.

However, as of late, I find myself vacillating between the aforementioned state of being and one of cynicism and despondency. I've been asking myself this question, and have yet to find an answer: how can I know if I'm truly happy with this situation (which is so visibly ugly and cruel) or if I've merely learned to lie to myself? Have I convinced myself that I'm content with this? In what world, what universe, would I ever be content with the one person I love more than anything going away for a year? I'm going to be alone for so long. How is it that I'm getting out of bed and enjoying every day? Everything's a question, I question everything about myself. Sometimes I get the feeling I hardly know what goes on inside of me, I only make guesses.

I'll get over this, undoubtedly. I don't have a choice. There is a way I must be for him and for this, I just have to learn how to fit the bill.

Constant Reminders

I am an army wife. You probably wouldn't guess it upon meeting me. You probably wouldn't believe it if you knew me in my adolescence. And though I wear the title proudly, I'm probably further removed than most from the actual military aspect of it. I haven't made an attempt at meeting the FRG out here yet. I don't go to Ft. Hood very often, if at all. We don't participate in family events there, and we haven't made friends with anyone in Sean's new unit. I suppose I'm trying to live life as close to a civilian as possible, but the Army is never far from me. I am constantly reminded of what Sean does, what we do, what the future may hold for us. Especially here, at home.

Neither of us are into this, yet here it is. Issued to us by.. you guess it.

I gave Sean his latest haircut with these. He needs one about every two weeks or so.

Our good friend, Brandon Kelly, gave me this bear last year. He's stationed in South Korea now. We miss you, Chocolate Bear.

This is our second bedroom, otherwise known as the Army room. It's far more organized now than it was only two weeks ago, when you couldn't even find the carpet. In here are all kinds of issued goods from Sean's last deployment and for the upcoming one. Necessary things and (of course) tons of unnecessary things.

Always something. It's not just a job. They won't allow it to be anything less than your life.

Sunday morning, I've found you once again.

Ah, Sunday morning.

It's quiet, and Sean's still asleep.

It's been a beautiful weekend. We took care of some things we'd been putting off for some time now, but most importantly, we found a new friend!

Elliott. I've been anxiously awaiting the day we'd look at kittens with the intention of bringing one home. As soon as we saw him, the search was over.. he is perfect. He'll be coming home to us within a couple weeks, once he's received the rest of his shots. I expect he'll become a good friend to me while Sean's in Afghanistan. I feel some relief knowing I'll be coming home to someone every night, that I won't be living in an empty home. I think Elliott will be taking care of me as much as I'll be taking care of him. Pictures to come, once he's home with us.
I hate that it's Sunday already. These weekends, they come and go before I have the chance to breathe them in. And essentially, they are all we have. It's one thing to work for the weekend, to fall into it's open arms and let it whisk you away to some dance club or bumpin' party. Ours (and so many others) is a different situation. Come Sunday night, I'm already wishing it was Friday. During the typical work week, I see my husband for 2-3 hours each night. Sometimes, I don't see him until he's already asleep. It's very emotionally harrowing. And it leaves me wondering how civilian couples do this. I ask myself, 'if we were to get out, go to school, find normal jobs.. would it be any easier? Would we really be happier?'

I don't think so.

In fact, I'm of the opinion that life would be harder as a couple. Presently, and for the first time in my life, I'm paying bills with ease. We're living in a beautiful home and making more than enough money to get by. Sean can go through college, and it's all taken care of. He can retire at 40 if we stay in. It's true, you can't argue with the benefits of military life, you really can't. But, I say this as he sleeps upstairs. Ask me again in 6 months, I'm sure my answer will be different.

For now, we're happy. We're happy when we're together. It can get so hard sometimes, outside of the bubble we've created for ourselves. I just hope that we can find reasons to smile like this while we're apart.