If only every day would pass as quickly.

Yesterday was a great day. I suppose I'd rank most of this past week as average, maybe slightly above or below.. so I'm always surprised by a particularly good time, and I welcome it with open arms.

I spoke with Sean on the phone in the morning. He's been in touch, and although I know he's going through alot of hardships and seems to only be getting raw deals right now, I do my best to keep his spirits up. Regrettably, that means I can't complain, grieve, or become misty-eyed when we talk. If I'm happy, he has one less thing to worry about.

After we said goodbye, I walked to Star Co. (my local coffee house/place of employment, if you haven't been following along), sat at a shaded table in front, and started knitting away. I've been slacking on the scarf, but I managed to add a good bit of length to it yesterday. It's a great time killer, especially during the long, sticky hours during which my day drags.

The evening rolled around, and it was time to see Iron & Wine. My good friend, Pat, picked me up and we met up with my dearest friend Eden and her boyfriend. Dinner before the show - an Indian food trailer in downtown Austin called G'raj Mahal. Exceptional food, amazing Naan. A few laughs, good times.

Here we are, being pretentious hipsters in ATX. Gotta love Pat's nonprescription specs.

Iron & Wine was beautiful. Calexico opened, and were surprisingly good. I'd never taken a chance to listen to them prior to last night, but I'll be playing them on my iPod later today, I'm sure. I recorded nearly every I&W song on my phone with intentions of creating this live album for Sean. I know he would've liked nothing more than to be sitting next to me, squeezing my hand with my head on his shoulder, witnessing this incredibly intimate performance. This is the closest I can provide to the real thing. The quality on my phone is uncommonly good, so I have a feeling he'll really get a kick out of it.

A good day, indeed.

I send them off.

I haven't made a picture post in a while, so I've taken a few this week with the intent of sharing them with you and with Sean. So, pictures first, words after.

This is a beer my neighbor, Bryan, brought over for me. Him and his girl had gotten a 6-pack of these and just didn't like them at all. He knows I love coffee, and I love beer.. so here it is. I'll admit, it was strange at first.. but after the first one, I really started to enjoy the mix of flavors.


Oh, Elliott. He looks so intense here, but I think he was watching the camera strap as it was dangling. He's getting bigger everyday, my little guy.


This is most of the stuff I got for him at HEB over the weekend. Lots of snacks and drink powders, and instant coffee. I knew he wanted the coffee. He asked me for some specifically, but little did he know that I'd already gotten him some. I pride myself in knowing my husband well.

Well, I uploaded fewer pictures than I thought I would. But you get the gist.

Today went swimmingly for me. It's been one of the best days I've had since Sean left. I walked to Star Co. and talked to my boss. Not only is he going to put me back on the schedule, but he's asked me to create my own 'ideal' schedule and he'll do everything he can to give me exactly what I ask for! I guess he really wanted me to come back, to offer me that kind of choice.

After we worked that out, I hung out there for a couple hours. I drank some coffee and worked on my scarf. It was really refreshing, being outside, out of the house, and doing something productive. I hope to continue to motivate myself like I did today.

After said knitting, I made my way to the post office. 8 lbs of goodies, all in one flat-rate box. I only spent $12.50 sending it out! I came home just in time for the best thunderstorm I've seen in ages. All in all, today has been beautiful. I only expect it to get better, or at least plateau here.

You are the moon.

Not much has happened over the past couple days. The funny thing? I like it. I've stayed at home mostly, spending time on my laptop, reading, knitting, watching movies. I had a Netflix & Chinese food night with Elliott! Although, he didn't get any of my food.. so maybe he wasn't as pleased with the evening as I was. But, I digress. I've been spending time alone, and I'm okay with that. Pleased with it, even. While it may seem unhealthy to some - staying in my pajamas all day, drinking lots of coffee, and going outside solely for cigarettes (hey, it's hot as hell here in Texas!!) - I can honestly say that I'm not unhappy with my days. I'm managing to stay in touch with a handful of close friends, a few I talk to everyday. The freedom to do as I please really is refreshing.

I'm considering quitting my bar job. I've already talked it over with Sean. What I originally thought would be a great change of pace for me has become just another stressor. The Jessica I was in Germany, or even prior to, would have been more than happy to serve and tend bar in this place. The Jessica I've become since meeting Sean, however, is more than discontent working in a dingy hole-in-the-wall, serving drunk bikers, rednecks and mexicans, and coming home sticky with stale beer. It's not where I should be at this point in my life, even if the money is good. It's not worth it. I may or may not work at Star Co. again. It all depends on.....

I'm going to school!! Sean told me he'd really been thinking it through, and he wants me to start classes while he's gone. No sooner than his next message was typed had I pulled up the FAFSA site and started applying. I spent nearly 6 straight hours delving into the depths of the internet, looking for scholarships and grants and researching online schools. The next morning, I was woken up by a call from Ai. Since, I've been absolutely inundated with phone calls from schools I requested information from. Now, I'm leaning towards University of Phoenix.. although when I say 'leaning', I really mean diving in. I've spoken with advisers from there, and have officially put in my application. I think this is actually going to happen. I've got my fingers crossed for good news today from them, and for as much financial aid as I can get.

Aside from all that insanity, life is moving slowly. I've finished Juliet, Naked by Nick Hornby, and have just started The Idiot by, of course, Fyodor Dostoevsky. I'm listening to Akron/Family, and my cat is being annoyingly affectionate. Today will be today. And tomorrow, it'll be tomorrow.

As sweet as any wine, and as bitter as mustard greens

Another morning to myself. I've developed a small routine already, mostly consisting of coffee and emailing. But it helps with starting my day out right, so I can't complain.

I've talked with Sean online a couple times since he's left. I've been keeping my IM client running 24/7, along with keeping my laptop open and my sound up. My heart jumps into my throat everytime I hear the sound of a message received, and usually it's from him. And for the few minutes, or half hour, or however long we've been able to talk.. nothing else exists. Everything here falls away, and there's only him and I. I've learned what he's done the past few days, and just knowing, knowing anything at all.. it's a relief. He manages to make me smile, even force a few laughs out of me. Talking to him makes this distance seem far less than it really is. However, there is the inevitable end to every conversation, and that end usually reveals everything it had eclipsed. And again, I feel alone. I feel so far from him, so unimaginably far.

So, like an addict, I sometimes find myself making excuses to stay by my computer in hopes that he'll sign on. Yesterday, I ran out of smokes and forwent a trip to the store for hours.. but he showed up while I waited, so it was, in fact, worth it to wait. But I know I can't do this everyday. I can't use our communication as a crutch. I've got to learn that if we talk, we talk.. but if we don't, so be it. It's easier said than done, though, because all I want to do is hear his voice or type to him and know he's reading it.

On a lighter note, I was emailed by the FRG with a couple links to some websites, which are maintained by a large group of supporters that meet every single troop that comes in and out of Bangor, Maine. They welcome the troops, thank them, bring their dogs for the guys to play with, and (this is the best part) they take TONS of pictures to post on their website for the families to see! As soon as I learned what this was, I dropped everything to look through this gallery of 100 pictures from Sean's time there. I didn't really expect to see him. He'd been talking to me online during his layover there, and didn't mention anyone taking pictures of him. But, to my surprise, there he was. I found 4 or 5 pictures with him in it, and he was on his laptop (talking to me, presumably) in all but one. I don't know what it was about seeing him in these pictures, but it lifted my spirits. And he even looks happy in one, which, in turn, made me happy. Here are a couple of them (I saved them, of course!)

I'm not sure when I'll hear from him again. They're finally getting situated out there, that's as much as I can say. And there's an 11 hour time difference, and that's not making things any easier. But I'm doing my best, which is all I can hope to do.

It's just the beginning.

Well, here I am. It's been just over 24 hours since I said goodbye to him.

I don't even know where to begin. I expected to find myself bawling uncontrollably for a few days, but it hasn't been that simple. Mostly, I just feel empty inside. Empty, with a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. Sometimes I feel numb to it all, but that usually hasn't lasted very long.

After we parted ways, my friend took me out for lunch, and then for coffee. It helped to be around other people, and I think that's going to be my ticket out of feeling this vast emptiness. I went to work at the bar last night, I was there until 230 in the morning. I didn't exactly have fun, but I made money, and I tried my hardest to keep my mind off everything. I came home, wrote a long letter to Sean (I promised to write to him every single day), and fell asleep.

This morning, I woke up and went to the kitchen to brew coffee. I found a note folded up in the toaster. I found one in the cabinet with the coffee. I found another in the freezer, and one in a box of soda cans. They were all from Sean - short, sweet words of consolation and encouragement. It's so like him to leave those for me, yet I am always floored when it happens. Through everything, I know that I'm truly lucky to have found my soulmate. I'm truly lucky to have his love. These notes, of course, stirred up my emotions, and I broke down over the kitchen sink.

So thus begins day 2 of this deployment. I'm left wondering which is the hardest part - the beginning, the initial shock of seeing your loved one leaving, of not feeling their presence anymore.. or does it get worse after weeks, months of distance? When does it get easier? Does it, ever?

A few shots from yesterday morning.

Adding to 'The List'

Just a month or two ago, I compiled the list. Just a handful of self-sustaining, entertaining, reachable goals. Goals are more important now than ever. Sean leaves in two days, and as Saturday morning approaches far quicker than I ever could have dreaded, I find myself coming up with more time-killing, mind-numbing activities.

So for the first time, and undoubtedly not the last, I'm adding to said list.

This is our bookshelf. Well, the largest one we have. My plan, you ask? Obvious as it may be, I'm going to read as many of these books as I can while he's gone.

Maybe a quarter of these are mine, and thus have been read twice or even thrice already. Beyond that, I've read a handful out of Sean's collection. But trust me, there is so much beautiful, classic literature in here that I've yet to feast my eyes upon.

I'm really excited to finish what I've started with our Russian literature. Dostoevsky, Tolstoy, Rand, Nobokov, Solzenitsyn, and Pushkin.

I recently reread the entire Harry Potter series, and have a newfound love for these books. I've then since taken requests from friends and family for house scarves (I have about 7 or 8 to make), and this is my first one in progress. Gryffindor, of course. =)

These bad boys are going to be about 6 feet long, so they'll keep me busy for a while. Knitting has become somewhat therapeutic for me, like baking. This, I can do anytime, anywhere.


I'm forcing myself to avoid writing about these next 48 hours and the feelings they'll harbor. I won't write about them until I'm ready, or until I absolutely need it. So, until after Saturday...

Looking forward to paying bills? I must be crazy.

Sean and I were talking today, discussing the usual 'how we're going to feel throughout the deployment/how to make the year go by faster/etc'. He had a thought concerning the bills I'll be paying over the course of the year.

12 billing cycles. That's all there will be from his departure to his return. After the first month of bills, only 11 more of those bad boys to go. Yes, I know it doesn't make the year any shorter, but to have something far less than 365 to start counting down.. well, I think it'll help.

I'm still here.

It's been nearly a month since I last blogged, and it's been bothering me everyday. Too much has happened too quickly, and here I am - still trying to register all of it.

Leave played out beautifully. Sean and I did some really wonderful things, enough to leave me with an overall feeling of content when looking back on those two weeks. They weren't enough though, but, when would they ever be?

Since, Sean has been coming home after lunch everyday. It looks like he'll be doing this until he leaves. Me, I'm in the middle of switching jobs. I've started working across the street from the coffee shop. It's a bar called Junior's. It'll be good for me, I believe, to be back in the serving life. I'll be working more, I'll be far busier while I'm there, and I'll make more money. All good things.

And to top things off, my search for a gal pal has come to an abrupt and final end. Eden, one of the best friends I had during my adolescence, has just recently moved to Houston. We saw eachother this weekend, and as unbelievable as it may be, we're closer now than we have ever been. It's been the greater part of a decade since we last spent time together, but we picked up right where we'd left off. And we've far more in common now than we used to, and far more in common than we do with any of our other old best friends. It's safe to say I have a girl. A best friend. And now, maybe for the first time, I have something - someone - tying my old life to this one. It feels right.

While this all might sound like peaches and cream, homelife begs to differ. The closer we get to the 15th (yes, Sean's date was moved from the 17th to the 15th), the more things change for us. We're changing. While Sean becomes stationary and prepares himself mentally for the next year, I become a child tugging at his shirt, asking to go to the playground. I am selfish. All I want out of this last week is to spend time with him, doing anything. I don't want to pretend these days are like any other. But how very rarely do I think about the struggle he's dealing with, and how (no matter which way I look at it) it's far worse than mine. And so, here we are. With all the progress I've made keeping my composure, coming to terms with the deployment, maintaining a sense of sanity through it all.. it just never seems like enough. There's always something. There's always something. So, I'm just going to keep my head down and give him anything he needs, if I ever figure out what it actually is that he needs.

Blogging may come slowly during this next week. I expected a lull right about now, to be honest. But I know when the 15th comes and goes, and my husband is in a desert across the ocean, this blog will be here. And Eden will be here. And Elliott (the little bastard) will be here. And my knitting needles, and my baking supplies, and my bicycle.

Sigh.